Toilet Tours / the road to Apollo Bay / 2013

Toilet Tours:

the road to Apollo Bay

Many years ago a man with an axe was walking from Melbourne to Geelong. Unfortunately he took a wrong turning. Melbourne is at the north of Port Philip Bay. Geelong is south, on the western side of the bay. The axeman -- known to his friends as Neville and to the police as A Person of Interest -- followed the bay to the east. This led him along what is now known as Mornington Peninsula.

At a time which was closer to lunch than to morning smoko, Neville passed the isolated shanty-town of Frankston. Neville had been hoping to enjoy a pleasant lunch at Frankston. Unfortunately Frank was, at the time Helping Police with their Enquiries. Knowing that Frank would not object (probably not for 5 to 10, or 6 with Good Behaviour), Neville helped himself to a large steak from Frank's meat safe.

Being an essentially honest man Neville left a note for Frank. He considered a Five Pound note but settled for a carefully scrawled "MOO", with Neville's "X" scratched underneath.

Hoping to reach Mornington by Evening, Neville hurried on.

Yet it was already late dusk as Neville passed by Mount Eliza. It was memories of Eliza's large and violent husband which encouraged Neville to hurry on by. He was in such a hurry that he did not notice the kangaroo in the centre of the track.

The kangaroo was blinded by the glare of Neville's hurricane lantern. In his haste, Neville crashed, at speed, into the stationary roo. The roo was sent flying but -- like an Australian icon taking a secondary role in an Irish joke -- the flying roo landed hard. Stone dead.

Neville mourned the dead kangaroo as he ate kangaroo tail soup for his supper. It was now too late to continue, so Neville set up camp beside the track. The rough workmanship of Neville's axework can still be seen, in the rough bush toilet which he created for his overnight convenience:

The nearby Neville Memorial Convenience is a more recent addition to the area. Both old and new utilise the traditional "long drop" disposal technology. The older facility reflects Neville's sorrow at the passing of a tasty icon, with the single word "ROO" etched on a side wall. The newer facility includes a very modern "handbasin" attached to the front wall:

The next morning, Neville broke camp and the silence of this isolated parkland, as he shot a number of ducks on the nearby pond. These last few of a previously only endangered species were to provide the few pence required to cross, by ferry, to Geelong. "DUC" wrote Neville on a scrap of paperbark. "4 SALE" he copied, from a nearby residential block.

This historic journey by an Imaginary Australian legend is commemorated by the naming of MooRooDuc Highway. Neville would have been proud, if he had not been hanged soon after, for a foolish attempt to remove Arthur's Seat from Arthur's Legs.

Arthur himself has been commemorated in cement-rendered blocks:

Despite the attempted removal of Arthur's Seat, the commemorative convenience includes more Seats than one man -- or woman -- would require at any one time.

It may be noted in passing that Arthur's actual Seat is the second or third to be placed at this location. After The Neville Incident, the original Seat was replaced. There are stories -- or perhaps only rumours -- that this Second Seat was also damaged. However it came to Pass, the Seat which is currently in place is certainly not the Arthur's Seat of the long gone original.

Of less Historical yet more Architectural Interest is the Minimalist architecture of the "Toilet with Outdoor Fireplace" at nearby Sorrento:

Located at the end of the cleverly named "Melbourne Road" --  a two kilometre stretch of bitumen which connects Sorrento to Rye, just a few hours drive from Melbourne -- the Outdoor Fireplace is a Marvel of minimalist design. With both grate and chimney built to maximise effective draw, this design offers all the benefits of a roaring campfire. With none of the drawbacks of smoke within the house.

Certain historians offer the less-likely explanation, that the builders left on the Ferry to Geelong before completing the fireplace.

And finally, to complete this fascinating tour of the Toilets on the Road to Apollo Bay, we stopped in Colac.

This Fascinating Structure (below) is both Simple in its Structural Integrity and Complex in the contradictory Implications of its External Signage. Two entry ways. Signs indicative of Convenience for both Ladies and Gents. And yet... only "1P" is allowed.

The sun was slowly setting on our journey. We had no idea which way to turn. "Turn Left at Colac," said our phone contact from Apollo Bay.

And so we did. And reached our destination only four hours later than expected. Yet fully satisfied that we had seen all of the Fascinating Highlights that this well known Tourist Trail has to offer.

..o0o..

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